Accountant Jokes

Accountant Joke #1

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for [...]

Accountant Joke #2

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.”
The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t [...]

Accountant Joke #3

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?”
The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

Accountant Joke #4

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions.
“Was he tall or was he short?”
The businessman replies, “Both!”

Accountant Joke #5

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

Accountant Joke #6

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6′2″ [...]

Accountant Joke #7

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”
The farmer thinks for a moment, [...]

Accountant Joke #8

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?”
The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. [...]

Accountant Joke #9

A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”
The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.
“No,” said the doctor, [...]

Accountant Joke #10

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to “The Unknown Soldier”. At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: “Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg”.
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.
The resident replied, “As a soldier, that Seymour was [...]


Accountant Joke #11

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with [...]

Accountant Joke #12

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man, “but mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“How [...]

Accountant Joke #13

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:
“No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t be tax deductible, but I like your thinking”.

Accountant Joke #14

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant.
“Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.”
“How much does the middle parrot [...]

Accountant Joke #15

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

Accountant Joke #16

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”.
“Where did you get this exact information?” “I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”

Accountant Joke #17

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.
“It was late at night” says the pilot, “Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.”
“I’m sorry,” says the auditor, [...]

Accountant Joke #18

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. [...]

Accountant Joke #19

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn’t prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time [...]

Accountant Joke #20

Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party:
“…….and ninthly…”

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