Criminal Jokes

Criminal Joke #1

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out ?
Through the doorway – there were no doors remember !

Criminal Joke #2

A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith.
The big guy who [...]

Criminal Joke #3

A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper [...]

Criminal Joke #4

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
“Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
“Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

Criminal Joke #5

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. “Shall I run and get it for you?” asked the prisoner obligingly. “You must think I’m daft,” said the officer. “You stand here and I’ll get it.”

Criminal Joke #6

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
“When you and I [...]

Criminal Joke #7

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car… Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

Criminal Joke #8

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip [...]

Criminal Joke #9

A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, “This is a muck up!”
“Don’t you mean a stick up?” asked the girl. “No,” said the robber, “it’s a muckup. I’ve forgotten my gun.”

Criminal Joke #10

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. “There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning.” “Who shall I call,” her husband asked, “police or ambulance?”


Criminal Joke #11

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?”
The [...]

Criminal Joke #12

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

Criminal Joke #13

Criminal: Why don’t you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?
Criminal Boss: I’m afraid of a double-cross.

Criminal Joke #14

Dad, said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. “I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow.” “OK, son,” said his dad, “I’ll get you the cash when the bank closes.”

Criminal Joke #15

Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?
Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.

Criminal Joke #16

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, “Make money at home.”

Criminal Joke #17

Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?
Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

Criminal Joke #18

Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he’s a hardened criminal.

Criminal Joke #19

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

Criminal Joke #20

Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.

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