Dead And Dying Jokes

Dead And Dying Joke #1

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” and [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #2

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend’s wife has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #3

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
“There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!”
“Oh, my God!” says his friend. “Surely he must have died!”
“Of course. He was without food or [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #4

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, “Look, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to throw the switch in a minute.” The man said, “Do me a favor and throw it out the window!”

Dead And Dying Joke #5

A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker’s. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,” said the monster. “Certainly, sir,” said the undertaker, “but there was really no need to bring him with you.”

Dead And Dying Joke #6

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #7

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”
But she insists that it must be a blue [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #8

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read “Fred Brown died”.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #9

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t [...]

Dead And Dying Joke #10

At the inquest into her husband’s death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband’s last words. “Yes,” she replied. “He said “I don’t know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin…”


Dead And Dying Joke #11

Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.

Dead And Dying Joke #12

Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job.

Dead And Dying Joke #13

Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.

Dead And Dying Joke #14

Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?

Dead And Dying Joke #15

Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head?
It’s for people like you who’re dead from the neck up!

Dead And Dying Joke #16

Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I’ll arrange for you to be halfburied.

Dead And Dying Joke #17

First ghoul: You don’t look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I’m dead on my feet.

Dead And Dying Joke #18

I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week.
Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

Dead And Dying Joke #19

If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.

Dead And Dying Joke #20

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover’s funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. “Message?” she sputtered.
“Well, I guess, “You will be missed.”" Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact [...]

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