Dead And Dying Jokes
Dead And Dying Joke #41
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.
Dead And Dying Joke #42
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye
Dead And Dying Joke #43
My brother’s a professional boxer. Heavyweight ?
No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
Dead And Dying Joke #44
A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. “I’d like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,” said the monster. “Certainly ma’am,” said the undertaker, “but there was really no need to bring her with you.”
Dead And Dying Joke #45
If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she?
Dead.
Dead And Dying Joke #46
Vampire 1: “I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died.” Vampire 2: “How awful!”
Vampire 1: “Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time.”
Dead And Dying Joke #47
I’ve been e-mailing William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare’s dead, silly.
No wonder he hasn’t replied.
Dead And Dying Joke #48
What is the last thing you eat before you die?
You bite the dust.
Dead And Dying Joke #49
What did the little kid do with the dead battery?
He buried it.
Dead And Dying Joke #50
What is posthumous work ?
Something written by someone after they are dead !
Dead And Dying Joke #51
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ?
Because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !
Dead And Dying Joke #52
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ?
Rust in peace !
Dead And Dying Joke #53
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ?
Because he was dead !
Dead And Dying Joke #54
What are you doing? I’m trying to call Washington! Oh, haven’t you heard? He’s dead!
Dead And Dying Joke #55
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup !
Yes, it’s the rotting meat that attracts them !
Dead And Dying Joke #56
Q: What is the definition of Death?
A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
Dead And Dying Joke #57
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!” “Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!” “I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I [...]
Dead And Dying Joke #58
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They put his left leg in….
Well, you know the rest.
Dead And Dying Joke #59
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, [...]
Dead And Dying Joke #60
Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
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