Divorce Jokes

Divorce Joke #1

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Divorce Joke #2

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!”
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! [...]

Divorce Joke #3

A hillbilly walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: “May I help you?”
Hillbilly: “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces”.
Attorney: “Well do you have any grounds?”
Hillbilly: “Yea, I got about a hundred acres.”
Attorney: “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
Hillbilly: “No, I don’t have a Case, but [...]

Divorce Joke #4

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?” “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my [...]

Divorce Joke #5

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick [...]

Divorce Joke #6

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man [...]

Divorce Joke #7

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want [...]

Divorce Joke #8

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Divorce Joke #9

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, “Judge, we want a divorce.”
The judge says, “You’ve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?” The couple say in unison, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were [...]

Divorce Joke #10

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any [...]


Divorce Joke #11

Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Divorce Joke #12

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

Divorce Joke #13

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won’t give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

Divorce Joke #14

Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on [...]

Divorce Joke #15

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he’d stepped out “for a beer” on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

Divorce Joke #16

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

Divorce Joke #17

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Divorce Joke #18

Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. The sockets all went with the house.

Divorce Joke #19

Q: Why do divorced men get married again?
A: Bad memory.

Divorce Joke #20

Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
A. Someone’s going to lose their trailer…

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