Heaven And Hell Jokes

Heaven And Hell Joke #1

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them “How do you like it so far?” The mouse replied “It’s great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?” God said “Sure”, and he gave him a pair [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #2

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.”
“The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter and second, [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #3

A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #4

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he’d healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.
The engineer told how he’d built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.
The [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #5

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: “Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?”
“Yes,” the professor ansvered. “When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #6

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #7

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #8

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”
The man says, “Methodist.”
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?”
“Baptist.”
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
A [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #9

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
“Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”.
“OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”
GOD says, “So you would like them.”
“OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”
“So [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #10

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in [...]


Heaven And Hell Joke #11

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #12

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #13

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.
“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter
“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.
“Name?”
He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #14

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. “How did you get here?” he asked. And the new angel replied, “Flu…”

Heaven And Hell Joke #15

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #16

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.”
Said [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #17

How do angels greet each other?
They say, Halo.

Heaven And Hell Joke #18

In Heaven:
The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

Heaven And Hell Joke #19

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: “Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, [...]

Heaven And Hell Joke #20

Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can’t get to heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you’ll get there.

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