Judge Jokes

Judge Joke #1

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years [...]

Judge Joke #2

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you [...]

Judge Joke #3

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.
“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

Judge Joke #4

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of [...]

Judge Joke #5

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.”
The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.”
The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”

Judge Joke #6

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried [...]

Judge Joke #7

How is a judge like an English teacher?
They both hand out long sentences.

Judge Joke #8

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

Judge Joke #9

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!”
The driver looked out his window [...]

Judge Joke #10

Judge to witness: “And where was the location of the accident?”
Witness: “Approximately milepost 499.”
Judge:: “And where is milepost 499?”
Witness: “About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.”


Judge Joke #11

Judge: “Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?”
Defendant: “Yes, it’s true.”
Judge: “Then, why don’t you just pay him back?”
Defendant: “Because it wouldn’t be true anymore.”

Judge Joke #12

Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?
A: Yes
Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?
A: Oral.

Judge Joke #13

Judge: Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Judge Joke #14

Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

Judge Joke #15

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Judge Joke #16

Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Judge Joke #17

Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?
A: Yes.
Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?

Judge Joke #18

Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?
A: Yes, by death.
Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?

Judge Joke #19

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.

Judge Joke #20

Mr. Schneider stood up in court. “As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.”
Glaring down at him, the judge replied, “He’s not. I am. You do.”

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