Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Joke #1

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in [...]

Lawyer Joke #2

A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”

Lawyer Joke #3

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,”
the lawyer said as [...]

Lawyer Joke #4

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
“Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

Lawyer Joke #5

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.”
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, [...]

Lawyer Joke #6

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up [...]

Lawyer Joke #7

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall [...]

Lawyer Joke #8

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: [...]

Lawyer Joke #9

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because [...]

Lawyer Joke #10

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
“Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked.
“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.


Lawyer Joke #11

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to [...]

Lawyer Joke #12

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer”.
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, [...]

Lawyer Joke #13

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.
He ran back to the White House and demanded the [...]

Lawyer Joke #14

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. [...]

Lawyer Joke #15

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.
“The judge’ll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!”
“I don’t think so,” his attorney told him. “I sent it in the other [...]

Lawyer Joke #16

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.
“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

Lawyer Joke #17

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?”
“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”
“That’s my business! Get me [...]

Lawyer Joke #18

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”
“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t [...]

Lawyer Joke #19

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

Lawyer Joke #20

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

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